BDSM is a role-playing game. Dominants, subs, bondage, models, sadists, masochists… for a while, all of us who belong to this community abandon our real personality and play a role. In this game
Please note, this post is not a “domination manual”. It will not teach you how to be a good dominator. But it is a list of things you shouldn’t do if you don’t want to be a toxic person and have your sub candidates running away before you can utter the word “whip”.
1. Go as a star
Don’t make your role your personality.
Going through life as a starlet is quite common and never a good idea. In the BDSM world even less so. To pretend that you are superior to the rest is ridiculous, and even more if you do it for reasons related to your sexual tastes: for practicing BDSM instead of conventional sex, for being dominant instead of sub, for rejecting this or that practice that you consider to be “massified” or “fashionable”, for following a highly protocol and ritualized BDSM model instead of a freer one, for being a better tying than this or that person, etc… you are not better than anyone else.
If you behave like this you will only make them stay away from you.
2. Not being at what you are
“When I get home I can’t forget to file my income tax return…”
If you are practicing BDSM, you should focus on what you are doing and have your mind set on the session: while you are playing you can’t be thinking about that fuck you got at work or the unforeseen expense that has arisen this month. Why? Very simple, because that leads to you making mistakes, to your sub feeling bad because you are not mentally in the game and in general to the session being a disaster.
No one requires you to be a bossing and spanking machine. If you’re not in the right frame of mind to have a session, it’s better not to have one. Explain it to your play partner (there’s nothing wrong with admitting that you don’t have a BDSM day today) and make a date for another day. It will be better for everyone.
By the way, in this advice we also include leaving alcohol and drugs out of the session. You are going to play with deep feelings, with pain, with humiliation, with domination… it is almost better that you control your actions one hundred percent.
3. Going guru
“I’m going to explain to you how BDSM is done…”
Accept it: people will practice BDSM as they see fit, not as you tell them to. If you start taking cards and saying that what they do is not real BDSM, the most you will get is that they will laugh at you.
This defect is not so much that it makes you a bad dominant as that it makes you a person to run away from, whatever your role is. That is to say: here who more and who less has gone through a process of personal deconstruction to accept that he enjoys things highly stigmatized and very far from the social norm. In the end, everyone finds their own space and the practices that suit them and decides to enjoy them at their own pace. If we deny the priest, the psychiatrist and the legislator the right to regulate our sex life, why do you think we are going to grant that power to @THE_ULTRA_DOM_58, who is an unknown with 346 followers on Twitter?
Besides, the problem of being a guru is that you seem to be looking for people to follow you and buy your book. And that, my friend, is very unpleasant.
The “put yourself at my feet”, only after consensus.
4. Treat people in role (without negotiating it first).
No one has the right to treat people according to their role unless they have agreed and negotiated that practice with each specific person. That is, it is very disrespectful that, for example, you address a stranger who identifies as a sub on social networks and blurt out “hello, dog” or “what’s up, bitch?” just like that. Because yes, the other person is submissive, but it’s not. your submissive. And if you go in that mood, she probably won’t ever be.
This practice is more frequent than it seems, because in this world there are many people who have a dominant personality. That is to say, instead of being normal people who adopt a dominant role for specific sessions, they go around subjugating and imposing themselves. And it is a serious mistake, because being dominant is not a license to treat people badly.
5. Attributing to yourself experience that you do not have
Wanting to flirt is understandable. Feeling that you are loved and valued is a human need, and it seems logical to me that any dominant seeks it, even more so in a world that has at its core the realization of erotic practices. But, whether you want a lifelong relationship or a different partner every night, what is not acceptable is to lie about your level of experience. First of all, because it shows. Sorry to say, but if someone is 35 years old and goes around claiming they’ve been dominant for 20, the math smells bloated from here.
“He doesn’t come for ‘spanking’ or ‘spanking’ – why would I tell him I’m a big dominant?”
Besides, even if you don’t notice it before, you will notice it later. Okay, you’ve sold the other person on the bike and you’ve taken her to bed. You’re about to embark on a night of passion and lust that will include an intense session of bondage based on what you learned at the High Jute Monastery, which is an institution of shibari located at the top of Mount Fuji. And just when your counterpart is about to have an orgasm of pure anticipation, you pull out the clotheslines and tie four sailor knots. Well, no, see, no. The other person is going to run off and, just so you know, he’s going to turn you green with his buddies.
If you’ve been at this for three days, say so. If you don’t know a technique, say so. If you don’t know how to hold a riding crop, say so. In reality, maturing is recognizing that you have no idea about anything and that you’re improvising as you go along. And it doesn’t matter either, because in the end experience isn’t everything: each new relationship is unique and you’ll have to build it from scratch, adapting to the other person and evolving with them. Think that humility and the desire to learn will take you further than any lie.
6. Not taking care of the material
“Do you intend to bring that near my nipples?”
What would BDSM be without toys? From the simplest necklace to the cage made by a craftsman and occupying half a wall, through whips or ropes, unconventional sexuality practices often involve toys. No one is going to care that you have few or that they’re makeshift or cheap, but please, take care of them. Frayed ropes, a dirty riding crop or half-broken clamps show that you don’t care about the condition of your materials, and your sub might get a lousy impression of you if you try to apply them on her person. In any case, you don’t need to be obsessed with this issue either: after the session, taking care of your sub is more important than disinfecting the equipment used.
By the way, keeping your materials tidy (apart from taking care of them) is not strictly necessary, but it is advisable. Who would like, in the middle of a heat, to spend five minutes searching for the flogger that you feel like using?
7. Isolate your sub
Caging, okay. Isolate, never.
BDSM is a community. We have parties, get-togethers, munches, picnics, meetings, orgies, talks, debates, round tables and a wide variety of places to meet and see each other. Trying to keep your sub on the sidelines is criminal. As the dominant, you should encourage your gaming partners to get to know the game world themselves: to open profiles in networks, to read, to make friends, to go to events, etc. The opposite (trying to become the only source of BDSM information your sub has) is a direct red flag, because what kind of person tries to stop another from exploring the community on their own?
Delivery is all fine and dandy, but it cannot be construed as something that prevents the other person from socializing and making friends. That’s not BDSM, that’s abuse with all the letters.
8. Failure to take basic safety measures…
Carrying this in your tie kit can prevent a big problem.
You are in control, we know it. Even though we have told you to be humble (see point 5), we are fully aware that you have a perfect command of all BDSM techniques and that no accident has ever happened to you. Unfortunately, no one knows the future, and your trajectory could go wrong tomorrow. What do you plan for that moment when everything goes wrong? How will you master the situation, dominant? Think about that before you start, because no one wants to play with a negligent person.
Have you tried that wax on your own arm before you pour it on anyone’s nipples? If that bondage goes bad, do you carry a pair of safety scissors or a bolt cutter? Do you usually have an LED flashlight on you in case the power goes out when you have someone suspended from the ceiling? Playing with handcuffs is a lot of fun, but do you have a second copy of the key that opens them? Do you know how to act in case someone passes out on you? We assume that BDSM includes risky practices, but that’s no excuse for not trying to reduce the level of danger. No one’s asking you to get a master’s degree in CPR, but you do need to know what you’re doing.
9. …or take the safety measures of others badly
The safety call is a common mechanism in BDSM.
Let’s imagine someone who has taken into account the points on this list and has met someone. Great! The chat is flowing, dinner has gone well and it looks like there’s going to be a BDSM session. You are finally going to be able to exercise dominance. Suddenly your partner says “hey, keep an eye on the time, I’ve told someone I’m coming with you and we’ve agreed that I’ll call them at 00:00 to let them know everything is going well”. And then our imaginary subject gets angry, pouts, snorts, tries to prevent the other person from taking these precautions or makes fun of them. After all, what’s the need for a safety call? Why are you so suspicious? You’re a wonderful person who would never hurt a fly!
What would we say to someone who behaves like this? I have it clear: “Congratulations. You’ve just blown the trust that must be present in every BDSM session and you’ve made yourself look like an asshole or, even worse, a source of potential danger”.
Never minimize or ridicule the steps another person takes to feel safe. Yes, it hasn’t even crossed your mind to hurt anyone, but your date is going to the home of someone he barely knows to engage in unconventional sexual practices that may include bondage and restraints. You have no right to be offended by the fact that he is taking safety precautions.
10. Not respecting other people’s limits
Boundaries are respected, period. Outside the session you can talk as much as you want, but in session you do not cross a limit. You don’t “play” with it, you don’t “force” it, you don’t use it to belittle the other person’s surrender, you don’t violate it in any way. If a small child can understand the terms “that’s not touching, poop” surely you can too.
A great philosopher once said that evil begins when you treat people as if they were things. Of course there are worse crimes, but it all starts that way, thinking of human beings as objects at your service. You are dominant and you are here to have fun, but so is the rest of the community, so behave like a decent human being.