How to find Master, Submissive, slave, pet… BDSM

Finding someone you trust to fulfill your fantasies with can be a challenge. BDSM is all about trust. And trust must be built first.

So in this article we will cover the two different main scenarios (Introducing BDSM games to someone you already know or meeting people interested in BDSM) and the best methods to do it the right way (no matter your age, role or experience).

Also indicate that here we will always talk about the most ethical way to engage in BDSM relationships, always with the truth and trust ahead, so that you can build long and lasting relationships.

Scenario 1: I already have a partner and I want to introduce her to BDSM so that she can dominate me or him.

We often stigmatize our fantasies too much and they are just that, fantasies. Often when we tell them to our partner (or playmates in general), we discover that in reality it was not that bad and that they are more than happy to help us discover those fantasies.

That is why our first recommendation is to lose fear and go with the truth first:

I wanted to tell you something important to me, I have had these fantasies recurrently, and I did not dare to tell you about them because I think I was embarrassed, but I would like to try X or Y practice. It would excite me a lot and I think it would be fun. What do you think?

Example of how to introduce a fetish to our partner.

You can adapt it to your taste and vocabulary, but using this format is a sincere and direct way to let our partner know what we would like to do with or about him/her. We also open the door for the other person to express themselves and give us their honest opinion.

In the worst case, and even if it is a no, we will know his predisposition and may even surprise us in the future and change his mind, and in the best case (and in fact the most likely if it is someone you trust) is that he will say yes and help us to fulfill our fantasies.

Life is short, let’s live it to the fullest and let fear not be what paralyzes us.

Scenario 2: I want to start a BDSM relationship with someone new, who knows who I am from the beginning and establish a good relationship.

In this scenario our first recommendation is that you do the search “backwards”. It is much easier to enter into a d/s relationship (domination and submission) with someone who is already attracted to the BDSM universe than to meet someone outside the world (also called vanilla) and introduce them to alternative sexual practices.

Initially we are reducing the number of possible people for our relationship, but in the long run it will result in a more solid, transparent and disappointment-free relationship.

Where to find people interested in BDSM:

a) Online: Social networks, chats, forums, etc.

The online BDSM community is large and social networks allow us to establish a first contact, virtually with people who may have tastes and interests compatible with ours.

1. Specialized social networks with fetlife allow us to create a profile and fill it with our specific tastes. They are created by and for people with alternative sexualities where you can present yourself as you are from the beginning. You can also filter profiles to interact only with whom you consider you can have chemistry, both personal and compatibility in terms of sexual tastes.
2. Specialized forums. Unlike a network like fetlife here the options to customize your profile are more limited. But the theme is usually more specific and if your fantasy for example is foot fetishism or chastity games you can look for specialized forums specifically in that. This way you will narrow down your search for people with similar interests. Saving effort and finding enthusiasts like you.
3. BDSM Chats, a faster and more direct version of forums. Usually you can find channels focused on specific topics or specific locations. This allows you to have the best of both worlds: on the downside, they are more in disuse.

Social networks can be perfect to meet people with COMMON TASTS.

Our practical tips for finding new BDSM relationships online

• Try to make a double filter: People with tastes compatible with yours and who are also from your area, or locality. Distance is a great enemy
• Take the time to fill out your profile. You will be saying a lot about yourself and the people who view your profile will deeply appreciate it.
• During your contacts also accept NO as an answer, it’s OK. Not everyone is available and not everyone is compatible. A no is an opportunity to continue your search for someone more suitable.
• Accept that it may take time. Human beings are complex, and sexualities are very varied and diverse. But do not despair, as a matter of statistics ideal people for you exist and are there.
• Accept that even if you do everything right, there may be toxic or unpleasant people. Don’t waste too much time with them and get on with your life.
• Take the time to read other people’s profiles. You will often find super interesting pieces of information to break the ice when sending a direct message.
• Related to the previous point when writing to new people DO NOT DO A COPY AND PASTE. You want real and meaningful relationships, if you send the same message to everyone you are announcing that you don’t care who is behind it.

b) Real events in your location (The best way).

In-person events involve skipping many intermediate steps, as the chemistry is immediate. And there is no substitute for direct human interaction, of course. Like everything else, it has its advantages and disadvantages:
Advantages.

• By talking to other attendees you will be able to sense if you can have chemistry with them more immediately.
• You can see people directly playing, which is fun.
• It is more interactive.
• At these events you will get a lot of ideas and see how other people in the BDSM environment relate to each other.
• You can learn to interact in these environments.
• Environments with many people tend to be in some ways safer spaces, with people watching to make sure nothing gets out of hand.

Disadvantages.

• It is more difficult to know each person’s tastes and roles, so be sure to ask.
• Introverted people may have more difficulties.
• Sometimes it can be a little more difficult to enter closed circles .
• You will need to learn to gauge when and how it is appropriate to interact with other attendees.
• Seeing the action and people so close can sometimes bring out our anxious side.

Opportunities:

• You can take action and try to establish a first contact. Staring at people will never lead to anything. So if you go to a face-to-face event go with positive energy to socialize openly.
• If you choose the right moment (not interrupting people playing in a climatic moment for example) you will surely be able to meet a lot of people.
• You can approach people who are practicing something that interests you. For example if you see someone spanking someone else and you like spanking, maybe when they finish you can introduce yourself and ask them about it. You’ll learn a lot and it’s a great way to break the ice.

What do we call a BDSM event or party?

It is a gathering of people who get together to enjoy a more fetish atmosphere usually in a place set up for it. Within this there can be many variations:
– Bigger or smaller.
– More fetish or more casual (Many BDSM parties have dress code)
– More “zen” or more “disco”. (Type of music and volume)
– There can be “official” performances or not.
– There can be furniture to play, such as cages, suspension points for shibari, san andres crosses etc.
– It can be thematic (pet play for example).
– Free access, paid access, or by invitation.

What to expect from a BDSM party?

• Many shy people.
• Attendees with their group of acquaintances.
• Perhaps less staged than in online erotic videos.
• But also spectacular people with incredible outfits.
• A lot of diversity, of role, of gender identity, of styles.
• People having a great time

Where to find BDSM events?

Groups: Either in networks such as the aforementioned Fetlife or in Facebook groups. In general communities where events are organized and want more people to attend and the event to grow. There are also usually websites that are dedicated to creating calendars of the most popular events in each locality.

Example of how to break the ice in person during a “typical”event or party where there is ambient music that is neither loud nor soft, where people can socialize and talk, and where the venue is suitable for BDSM practices and nudity and play is allowed:

Hello! I have just…
…to see you practicing X Game…
…to decide to approach you just to tell you how special I find your outfit… (this one for example is more risky)
...I couldn’t help but see how you were carrying “Y” person by the leash….
(In short, here you tell what has caught your attention of that person)

…And the truth is that it has fascinated me. By the way my name ZZZ is the first time / the first time I come to a BDSM event, is that I love it too ….
…X practice because it is one of my greatest fantasies…
…to be able to meet people who transmit what you transmit…
…to have a BDSM hierarchy like the one you had with Y person…
(The normal thing at this point is that the person feels flattered, everyone likes to be noticed and a positive trait of ours. If you see that the gesture they make is twisted, then perhaps the flattery was excessive, did not sound sincere, or sounded with ulterior motives)
Depending on what they answer, and if it comes to the point you can continue talking. And perhaps this is the most important part:
…Well look I feel attraction to perform a BDSM practice similar to what I have seen. My role is X, Y or Z and I’m trying to find my place. So… Would you consider guiding me or pointing me in the right direction about this practice. Even if you feel like at some point during the event you could put such a game into practice with me? And know first of all that whatever the answer is, I thank you for this little chat.

A polite but direct way to initiate a first contact with strangers at a BDSM event.

This template is not written in stone.

In general these are generic templates, but if you feel that somehow there is an opportunity to break the ice in a more natural way go ahead. They are not written in stone and it is important to adapt to the situation.

But also reflect on what you could change to make future interactions go more smoothly.

Additional tips for socializing with people interested in BDSM:

• Keep your morale high. Receiving a refusal does not mean you have done anything wrong.
  • Sometimes the person will simply not want to open up their range of relationships any further, or they are very happy in their current relationship.
  • Other times there simply won’t be good chemistry or compatibility with X people. That’s okay too.
  • Finally, even if it is a BDSM context, you have to break the ice just like in any other social situation. Sometimes it will go better and sometimes worse. It all takes practice so don’t beat yourself up. Try to socialize with other people that night and maybe another time it will go better.

• Be realistic, maybe a bondage game or a spanking makes sense in a BDSM party, while if your fantasy is much more complex or requires more preparation you might want to start with something simpler and leave more complex games for another situation.
• It is also key that whether you play or not, if the person interests you and there has been a good mutual feeling, you propose to keep in touch. You can ask for their phone number, or their profile on a social network, and write to them the next day. Not everything has to happen in one day. It is key to establish contacts, getting to know the community and discovering with whom you can have more chemistry. BDSM relationships, like any relationship, have to be cultivated.
• We must also keep in mind that some people like to play in public and others are more reserved. Some people like to socialize, dress fetish, or simply enjoy the atmosphere but play in more intimate moments and places. Others have no taboos or even enjoy exhibitionism. Try to keep an open mind about this.
• Make the words your own, this is only an imaginary template, each situation, person, type of event etc. may be different. And above all speak as you would speak, always with sincerity and respect.
• Para los más tímidos e inseguros un último gran consejo:
  • Once the ice is broken. The rest will follow naturally.
  • Remember that you are doing something normal. Meet like-minded people and enjoy your sexuality.
  • If you socialize with respect there is nothing that can go wrong.
  • Some people will find your shyness charming.
  • If an interaction doesn’t go perfectly, take a breath, give yourself 5 minutes, put it out of your mind and go on with your evening and socialize in a natural way.
  • …and at the end of the day the only way to improve is to practice.
  • And lastly...it is much better to talk and ask questions with complete openness than to keep to yourself what you want to say. No one can read minds. Break the ice, explain well what you are interested in and communicate why you have approached to talk to that person.

Ethical considerations: How to perform a BDSM approach in a healthy and honest way.

• The roledoes notmatterat first. Unless you have previously talked and created a game pact or established a consensual power dynamic I recommend you:
  • Treat everyone as a person.
  • Demand to be treated as a person.
  • Once a dominance/submission dynamic is established, by all means enjoy the moment and be as much of a master/submissive mistress/submissive mistress/submissive as you want. But “run away” from people who impose their role from the start.
• Avoid drugs. In the BDSM environment there are practices of assumed risk (you assume that although you take all possible protective measures you are doing something with some risk and you accept it). (That doesn’t mean that you can’t accompany the evening with a drink, just don’t abuse it). Just do not abuse) And you will chat better with people with a clear head and you will give a better image.
• Always go with the truth and honesty first. Better to take longer to find a good playmate, but find the right one than to build a BDSM relationship on a lie.
• If you have a steady partner, make sure you have his or her approval before establishing new relationships or playing with other people.

Online methods and events or parties are combinable, one of the best ways to break the ice after meeting someone online is to both attend a party in person. You will meet in a safe environment with more people, the atmosphere can help that first initial tension to develop, giving both a topic of conversation and perhaps the initiative to play as well. And depending on the type of event you will have furniture and toys that you may be able to borrow and accentuate an amazing evening.

From where this article is written and because I wish you the best.

If you have come this far, I sincerely hope this little guide will help you. When I was writing these lines I felt that this is what I would have liked to have been told when I started to relate 19 years ago in BDSM environments. It has been a long journey and I have had a lot of fun and learned a lot along the way and that is why I wanted to share this with you. Mostly so you can enjoy the good stuff and avoid the “not so good” stuff.

I know firsthand that many people are lost. And I hope this helps you to take a first step forward. Enjoy the journey! For it is full of wonderful and exciting moments.