Consensus in the practice of BDSM

Whenever we talk about BDSM, the terms “consensus” and “consensual” come up. Most of the resources that the BDSM community makes available to newcomers are geared towards that very consensus. I’m talking about checklists, recommendations for having a “boundary coffee,” tips for negotiating, or creating safe words (to give just four examples). And it’s not just that consensus is necessary, it’s sexy, erotic, fun and beautiful.

Yes, the idea of consensus permeates the entire BDSM culture. But where does it come from?

Consensus is sexy

SSC, RACSA and consensus

One of the stigmas that the community of people who practice unconventional sexuality (sadomasochism, fetishism, paraphilias, bondage… everything that today is known as kink) has always carried is that of mistreatment. This sambenito has been applied especially to BDSM practices, which often include pain, humiliation or domination. It is logical that, from within the world, a constant work has been done to separate BDSM from mistreatment.

In 1983 David Stein, an activist in the homosexual sadomasochistic scene, proposed a standard of three elements that would differentiate a healthy practice from abuse:

Safe (all parties involved have taken appropriate preventive measures, are aware of the possible risks and use equipment in good condition.
Sane (sensible, often incorrectly translated as “healthy”): the parties have full capacity to decide. In other words: they know how to differentiate between reality and fantasy, they are not altered by things that have happened outside the session, they have not consumed alcohol or drugs, etc.
Consensual (consensual): the parties agree on what will happen, the intensity of the practices to be carried out, etc.

safe sane consensual, SSC, Safe, sensible and consensual sanitation

SSC logo plate

Stein’s idea was to create an ethic that was not based on the practices performed (such practice is good, such practice is bad) but on the way in which those practices were carried out. Consensus becomes one of the central elements of this BDSM ethic. But the problem is that the SSC standard was soon superseded. The moment it became widespread, it began to be used as a weapon within the community: it was claimed that this or that person did not engage in safe or sensible practices, and was therefore dangerous. This simplistic application of the standard led Stein himself to disassociate himself from it.

This gave rise to the term RACK, which in Spanish is usually translated as RACSA: risk assumed and consensual for alternative sexuality practices. This standard assumes that BDSM practices will always have an inherent risk (whether physical or psychological) and emphasizes that all parties involved are aware of this risk and assume it voluntarily. The RACSA perspective rejects the right of third parties to interpret the reasonableness or safety of a consensual practice.

Why consensus and not consent?

The centrality of consensus in the BDSM imaginary may seem strange from the outside. After all, normally when we talk about sex the word we use is “consent”, not “consensus”. We say that the important thing is that the relationship is consensual for both parties. There are even videos made to explain consent by comparing it to having a cup of tea. Is there a difference between the two terms? We think so.

Consent is important. Among other things, at the legal level it makes the difference between sex and crime. We do not want to reject the relevance of consent. But, for a sexual relationship to be satisfactory for all participants, consent is not enough. It should be noted that consent can be passive. A person listens to his or her partner’s fantasies and, for whatever reasons, lets himself or herself be done. He consents without real desire and participates in something he does not really feel like doing. What has happened is not a crime (we assume that the consent has been given freely and validly, without coercion) but it has not been pleasant or nice either. And the idea here is that everyone enjoys it.

Consensus goes beyond consent. It is always active, by definition. It refers to an idea of shared desire: it is not that one person wants to do something and the other accepts it, but that both want it and agree on the terms under which it will be carried out. That is why we talk about consensus and not consent, and that is why we consider it so important in BDSM practice. Because unconventional sexuality is made up of dozens of different practices, and a person may have different desires and different limits for each of them. If consensus is always important in sex, in BDSM it is even more so.

If it is not consensual, it is NOT BDSM.

But we cannot limit ourselves to seeing consensus as a means to an end. If we do that, we fall into the trap of understanding it as an almost bureaucratic element, a simple formality to be completed before moving on to the session, which would be the fun part of the matter. And that completely undermines it. Consent is transversal: it must completely preside over the whole BDSM relationship, from the first contact to the aftercare. We could even say that having more consensual relationships in all areas of our life is an end in itself.

How to reach consensus in a fun way

In the sexual realm, the process of seeking consensus is sexy and fun in its own right. Talking with your partner about what you feel like, in a relaxed and relaxed atmosphere, is one of the most erotic things in the world. Not to mention the trusting glances, the complicit touches or even the cries of pleasure that arise during the session: all of that is a search for consensus and a check that it is maintained. In the end, the talk about desires and limits is not so different from the dirty talk that is so common and that seems so exciting to us. It should not be seen as something mechanical and necessary (although it is essential), but as part of the sexual activity and as an autonomous source of pleasure.

Of course, each couple will have their own tricks and moments to agree on practices, but here are some tips that will surely be useful if you don’t know where to start:

Consensus is a process, and it begins before the session. Especially if you are just getting to know each other, it is a good idea to meet one day specifically to talk about limits and desires. It is usually advisable not to play on that day: this way you will go to the appointment without expectations and you will be able to focus more on talking.
An example of a checklist.
If you don’t know where to start talking, you can look at a checklist or go to a sex shop and comment on the erotic toys you see there. I’m sure you will come up with interesting practices.
Enjoy! The search for agreement is part of the game.
Do not force or insist. A “no” is a “no”. A “maybe when we get to know each other better” is a “no”. A “I don’t think I like this practice right now” is a “no”. Anything less than an enthusiastic and clear “yes, fuck yes, let’s do this” is a “no”.
During the session, follow the agreed script as much as possible. In the heat of the moment, you may make decisions that you would not have made in the cold, and it is better to be safe than sorry. After all, if you have a strong desire to do something that is not planned, what better excuse to meet again another day?
The search for consensus must last all the time. There is no “consensus time” or “play time,” but even during play it is necessary to always make sure that everything is going well. Dirty talk (Do you want me to do this? Do you want me to do that?) is a great way to introduce new practices. In general, everything goes well if the other party is active and participating in the game; if this is no longer the case, stop for a moment to make sure that everyone is comfortable.
Consensus is revocable. You can withdraw at any time during the game, either before the session begins or during the session. And, of course, just because you and another person have practiced BDSM at a particular time does not mean that you have to practice it again.